Here let me read it to you:
White-collar special forces guys are back for ’24
*Sigh* this week we return to the ongoing embarrassment that is white collar guys talking up their Navy SEAL or special forces skills.
I have covered this topic before, but it’s in the news this week. The Mayor of Townsville, Troy Thompson, is in trouble for claiming five years’ army experience including the SAS during his election campaign.
Nobody’s perfect, we all forget things. Though perhaps not on this scale.
He said he “firmly believed” he’d done those SAS years until he received his service record. Which showed he’d done a “six months army reserve cooking course”.
Reservists, according to the Australian Defence Forces website:
“… get paid to train in the evening and at the weekend, combining Army and day-to-day life.”
No living up a tree for three weeks eating scorpions for Mr Thompson. He was safe home in his own bed after soldier practice.
A world-class hole digger gets to work
What makes his antics even more amazing is that Townsville is home to the largest army base in Australia. It has 5000 serving personnel and a large veteran population. Did he think they couldn’t tell? And how did he think they’d feel after the news came out?
They are not amused.
He’s since revised his story to the classic Simon Sinek proximity cred:
“I probably didn’t say it right pre-election, but I certainly spent some time with people from the SAS,” Thompson said.
Simon’s been doing that one for years.
And Thompson does have a sweet pair of Top Gun sunglasses.
In his non-military achievements, Thompson described himself as a “business graduate” during his campaign, with two degrees.
His LinkedIn account featured a Bachelor of Science and a Bachelor of Commerce.
Turns out this champion hole-digger does not have these either.
“I started them off. And then life changed. It was that simple,” he said.
The deep need to tell people about special forces
I can’t imagine what it’s like to want to be mayor of anywhere, so it’s hard to judge why he’s like this. Most of us have hired people like that at some point. Who will say any easily-disprovable shit that enters their head, as if the internet does not exist.
It’s an interesting recruitment issue. Actual ex-military people bring an amazing range of skills and experience to corporate jobs, and as a bonus most of them don’t go on and on about it.
Then there’s a whole subset of Troy Thompson-type guys whose need for combat cred is so deep-seated.
How do you pick them? Like the old crossfit and vegan jokes: don’t worry, they will tell you.
Special forces fetish is on the rise everywhere. Like these frightening ads from my Insta feed in the last week.
The special forces upsell
And if there’s one thing that combat cred guys like, it’s equipment that shows they’re in that elite.
Every inflight magazine has half a dozen watch ads featuring special underwater combat mission guys who need millisecond accuracy at depths where you might get to fight giant squid.
I bought a new watch recently, purely because I really like how it looks. It’s waterproof to 300 metres. The sales guy in the shop suggested I upgrade to a pricier model, good for 500 metres.
Let’s unpack that action hero sales pitch.
Only one percent of light gets further down than a hundred metres. 300 metres is also thirty three times the pressure at the surface. Only six scuba divers in history have been below that depth. Lots of others died trying, of nitrogen narcosis mainly. The world scuba record is 332m, a fifteen-minute descent then a thirteen-hour ascent to avoid the bends. Plenty of time to look at that watch.
If you’re looking for a watch that’s the only thing they find after deep-water crabs have consumed your broken remains, then by all means get the 500 metre one. Because you’re the kind of guy who performs best under pressure, right?
Marketing to one-upmanship guys is just shooting fish in a barrel.
CIA tips to rein in man-histrionics
While we’re talking guys and combat, I caught up with some old business-owner friends recently. Three men, three women, from a diverse group of industries. I’m not a long lunch guy, but we always have a lot to talk about. So lunch ran for eight and a half hours.
We got onto the topic of guys being dicks in meetings, and the relative aggro index between our respective industries. The general conclusion was that finance was the dick-iest.
One of the women was Australian CEO of a multinational investment manager. She is not shy, and can be hard when she has to be. She’s spent her entire career dealing with man-histrionics in meetings.
She said she was grateful to have had a mentor early on, who taught her a bunch of subtle methods to rein-in aggro guys. Incremental movements of items around the meeting table to reduce their personal space and so on.
“Apparently some of them were CIA techniques, and they did help,” she said.
Please calm down guys
As a guy, you can spend your whole working life going to meetings and not give it much thought. Other than what you might say , what others might be up to, and will there be food? No big deal.
While women have do the same job, but also learn literal CIA covert tactics to defuse everyday hostility in the office.
I’m not saying there’s a direct link between white collar guys talking up Navy SEAL tips, and oppressing female counterparts with needless aggro while wearing the cloak of invisible privilege.
But let’s all calm down a little with the elite military inspo, shall we? Apart from anything else it’s an insult to anyone who actually has been shot at on our behalf.
Rejoice in the soft conditions most of us work under.
I love it, you should see the comfy new chair I just got.
No story next week I’m away at a conference. Here’s a previous story about Navy SEAL fetish and ice baths you might like:
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